Somewhere

Colors in between, blue and green, yellow and ochre, red and orange, appears to the eyes sometimes one or another, depends on the light and surrounding colors, it is relative.

Signals are continuously been captured in our brains, but sometimes we keep some information apart and let it not come to our consciousness, we notice that signal, but postpone to knowledge it. That signal stays somewhere in between conscious and unconscious.

That happens to me quite often, specially with signals that I do not want to knowledge, when it scares me to think about it. Later I pay the consequences of not let awareness being working.

The same happens, when I am socially expected to do something, interact in a unknown closed group, dogmatic or demanding some 'attitude', like in a theater with well known roles and I do not

respond. I see what I am supposed to do, the expectation of participation. But, I stay somewhere in between, maybe in nowhere, as an animal not sure what the situation is, dangerous or safe.

Somehow it is a protection, to not be 100% there. To suspend myself in the air, be dreamy away, to breath quiet, to hide myself for not to be found, uncomfortable, there I am often.

Why?

Because I am afraid, but not coward! I am not white or black, but grey.

I can take risks, to interact, but I am not sure how to express myself, how to deal with such social situations, where my behavior is being with suspicion measured, maybe because my Japanese E.T. appearance? am I an unexpected type? curiosity? not interesting?... I do not feel invited to be myself or not agree to play the game, the choices seems limited: please me, please the other, or please me and the other, that last I would like to be my choice, but I do not know immediately, spontaneously and easy how to embody this choice, when the air feels closed, not open.

Sometimes there is a breaking silent, being ignored, I do not exist to the others, or do I make myself invisible? How to interact? vulnerability is mistaken as fragility? or do I mirror also their fears? I do not know.

This gap of not let acquaintance myself to people, that is uncomfortable exhausting... probably also for the others, because I become unclear or unsure or unseen, transparent would be better.

Some would say it is a tempest in a glass of water...

Despite I get many signals around, what I see, in the way people express or avoid, I get it like osmosis in a ravage inside. But to the outsider nothing to see.

ADD is a relieving neutral possible explanation. I miss probably a connection bridge from 'inside - outside'. I am sometimes somewhere in a island. I can see with binnacles what happens in land, I can make contact, but I must rowing hard the boat to land and back. The speed depends on the necessity, pressure and the deal: being myself at the same time exposing what would be acceptable to the others. That calculation board in my head is sometimes complicated, and cost me extra energy, it is a valse dance with robotic paces.

At the end happens like "Déjà-vu" I am not understood.

For the other side, once the way is made, it becomes steady solid, clear color bridge.

But until then it is a long stay in somewhere.